


Nico's Fabulous Babysitting Adventure

by Engineerd



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Angst and Humor, Children, DMC Gen Week, Devil May Cry 5 (Game), Gen, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-26 01:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20035726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engineerd/pseuds/Engineerd
Summary: 30 April, 5:45 PM:Nero gets him arm chopped off and passes out. Kyrie takes him to the hospital. Nico is stuck babysitting their foster children.30 April, 7:45 PM:"I hate mechanics," Kyle announced after their latest failure. "You can't even do anything.""I don't do houses!" Nico insisted. "I'm a gunsmith. You want a gun?"The boy's face lit up. "Yeah!"





	Nico's Fabulous Babysitting Adventure

_ "KYRIE, GET BACK INSIDE-" _

There was a loud crash, and then there was nothing. Nico heard Kyrie gasp from the hallway and start running for the garage. Nico took one glance at the three kids at the table, thoroughly freaked out, and then pushed off to sprint after Kyrie. 

"What the hell happened?" Nico asked. Nero was laying flat on the ground and Kyrie was kneeling over him. "I was only gone for two... minutes..." 

Nero was lying in blood. Kyrie's pants were getting soaked with it. 

Nero was unconscious. 

Kyrie's hands were shaking. 

Kyrie was tying her cardigan around Nero's - where his elbow should be - where his arm had been - 

"Call an ambulance," Kyrie ordered, shaking Nico out of her thoughts. "And don't let the boys in here!" 

She nodded and wordlessly obeyed. Her shoes were sticky with blood against the floor of the garage, so she left them at the door and found the phone on the wall of the kitchen in her socks. "Miss Nico, what happened?" the oldest boy, Carlos, asked. "Is it dinnertime -"

"Serve yourselves," Nico barked, taking the phone walking as far away as the cord would allow. "Emergency services. Ambulance please. My friend just got his arm cut off. I don't know how, we just found him bleeding out in the garage. Yes. Thanks." 

"Did you just say your friend got his  _ arm cut off?"  _

Nico hung up the phone and whirled around at the six-year-old behind her. "Kyle! Why aren't you eating dinner?!" 

"I want milk," Kyle said, jutting out his bottom lip in a ridiculous pout. 

"Then go get it!" Nico snapped. 

"Is it in the fridge?" 

"I don't fu- freaking know. Go look!" 

"Nero usually gets the milk," Kyle said. 

Nico groaned out loud and stomped over to the fridge, the little one following her. She pulled out the gallon of milk and held it out. "All yours, junior." 

"I want that one," Kyle said, pointing to the fridge. 

She frowned. "That's half-an-half. You don't drink that." 

He pouted even more but took the milk from her. The kitchen table was about level with his chest, but the biggest one grabbed the gallon and set it on the table for them. "All good now?" Nico asked. She received one half-hearted nod back. "Okay, y'all stay here, I'm gonna-"

"What's going on?" Carlos interrupted. "Nero and Kyrie always eat dinner with us."

"Did Nero get his arm cut off?!" Kyle shouted. 

"Nero's gonna be  _ fine,"  _ Nico said. And he would be fine. Probably. People didn't die just from one arm, right? "He just had a little accident. I don't know exactly what happened, but he's gonna be fine, he just needs you guys to stay here and tuck in to dinner." 

"I want to see him!" Kyle shouted. 

"Well, I want you to sit down and shut up," Nico snapped. "I'm going to go check on him. You guys stay here." 

"But-"

_ "Stay here,"  _ Nico snarled, making her escape back to the garage. 

* * *

The sight wasn't any easier to see the second time. The garage stank of blood. Nero, who had no real tan to speak of in the first place, was now impossibly pale. Kyrie's sweater she'd tied around the stump of his arm was soaked through. Kyrie herself was elevating his upper arm and was whispering something under her breath. 

"Ambulance is on its way," Nico said. She thought she could hear the sirens in the distance - Fortuna wasn't that big. "Kids are eating dinner." 

Kyrie nodded. Her hair was falling into her face. "I'm going to go with Nero to the hospital. Could you stay here with the children?" 

"Of course," Nico said. "Although if you've got any advice...I'm not exactly a kid person." 

"Bedtime is at 9," Kyrie said. "Julian's pajamas are in the wash right now, they need to go in the dryer. Carlos can stay up a little later but not later than 10. Um...Kyle likes a bedtime story, he can show you the book we were in the middle of."

"Got it," Nico said. "If you're not home by then, you mean." 

Kyrie bit her lip and looked back down. Nero's hair was stained pink with blood. "I hope he's okay." 

"He will be," Nico said. "He's strong as shit. You ever try to pick up that sword he just one-hands around?"

"I know Nero's strong," Kyrie said, her voice trembling a little. "That's what worries me. What could have done this to him and then just vanished?"

Nico looked over to the workbench were Red Queen and Blue Rose were stored. "I know how to use a gun," she said. "We'll be safe here, I promise." 

"Nero's never gone down like this," Kyrie said. "He's gotten stabbed and just walked it off." 

Nico glanced back down at the pair. Nero's demon arm was the one missing. "His blue scaly hand wasn't the source of all his power, was it?" she blurted out. "I mean, like, his heart wasn't in there or anything?" 

Kyrie exhaled. "His heart's in his chest," she said. "He didn't even have the arm when we were kids. I've told him that he was more than his devil bringer a hundred times. What if I-"

The ambulance pulled up in the driveway, finally. Nico leaned over and squeezed Kyrie's shoulder - blood free, thank god - and said, "he's going to be fine." 

The paramedics came in next, and Nico disappeared back inside. 

* * *

The three boys were glued to the front window. Kyle, who looked even smaller standing next to the other boys, turned around when she came in and shouted, "Miss Nico will tell us!" 

"Tell you what?" she drawled back. 

Kyle stamped his foot. "What happened to Nero!" 

"You said he had a little accident," Carlos accused, crossing his arms. The medium kid who never talked crossed his arms also but didn't look away from the window. "You said he was going to be okay." 

"He will be okay!" Nico said. God, she better be right. 

"Then why is there an ambulance?" 

"I want to talk to Kyrie," Kyle added. 

"Nero just needs a little check-up right now," Nico said. "Kyrie's going with him-"

"WHAT?" Kyle shrieked. 

"Whoa, calm down," Nico said. "No need to shout. You've got me!" 

Kyle stared at her in trepidation and reached out to tug on the bottom of Carlos's shirt. Carlos just stood there looking unimpressed. 

"They're leaving," the middle one - Julian, she thought - announced. All eyes flicked back out the window as the ambulance pulled itself out of the driveway. 

"Do you think we have to go back to the orphanage?" Kyle asked. 

"Kyrie and Nero will be back by morning," Nico said. They better be, at the rate she was promising things. "You don't have to deal with anything except me babysitting for the night."

Carlos reached down and grabbed Kyle's hand. "What could go wrong?" he asked, deadpan, staring Nico straight in the eye. 

Nico did her best not to sneer at the twelve-year-old as she hustled them all back to dinner. 

* * *

Nico didn't realize how much she'd been depending on the twelve-year-old until Carlos vanished after dinner to do homework. 

"Dessert!" Kyle insisted. 

"TV," Julian argued, putting precisely his own set of dishes in the sink and leaving everything out on the table. 

"Kyrie was going to make brownies tonight," Kyle said. Julian wandered away towards the living room. 

"Uh," Nico said. She didn't think Kyrie had mentioned anything about brownies. 

"Brownies, brownies, brownies-"

"Look, I'm more of a mechanic than a chef," Nico said. 

"What's a mechanic?" Kyle asked. 

"I fix mechanical things," Nico said. "Guns, cars, robots." 

"Can you fix the bathroom sink?" Kyle said. "It doesn't give hot water and Nero couldn't figure it out." 

Nico looked over to the living room - the medium sized one seemed to be entertaining himself wit the TV - and then back at the baby.  _ Baking, plumbing. Baking, plumbing.  _ "I'll take a look," Nico said dubiously. 

"Yay!" Kyle said, making a grab for her hand. "It's the upstairs bathroom. Nero keeps the wrenches in the garage, so we should go there-" 

"I'll get 'em!" Nico interrupted quickly. The six-year-old did  _ not  _ need to become acquainted with what looked like most of the blood from Nero's body. 

"But-"

"Meet you upstairs!" God, they really needed to do something about the scene in here. She couldn't keep the kids out of the garage forever. She zipped out and grabbed them - luckily the wrenches were blood-free. 

Do you fix hot water with wrenches? She specialized in weapons, not houses. 

"Ok, kiddo," Nico said, popping into the bathroom. "Step one, we gotta turn off the water. Where's the water main for this house?" 

Kyle looked at the sink. "The faucet's off." 

"Not the faucet," Nico said. "All the water." 

"The bath isn't running," Kyle said. "Oh. Do you mean the toilet?" 

"Not individual appliances," Nico said. "The water main. The house has one. Where is it?" 

"I don't know what that is," he said, and then screamed right in her ear, "CARLOS?"

"WHAT?" the other boy bellowed back. 

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WATER MAIN IS?" 

"WHAT?" 

"THE WATER MAIN!" 

Carlos mercifully appeared in the doorway. "I know what a water main is," he said. "I'm not stupid." 

"Great," Nico said. "Where is it?" 

Carlos made a face. "I can tell you where the one for the orphanage is?" 

Nico dropped the wrenches on the bathroom floor. "Okay, then," she said. "Guess we can't do the sink today." 

"Awww," Kyle said. "I want hot water." 

"Get it from the bath," Carlos said. 

"I can't wash my hands in the  _ bath!"  _

"We'll fix it later," Nico said. "Anything else you want me to do around the house?" 

* * *

Fixing things around the house was a terrible idea. Nero and Kyrie didn't have any spare light bulbs, their back door was eternally squeaking for no good reason, and while she  _ could  _ in theory move a light switch to a more convenient location she was not going to go ripping up any walls tonight. 

"I hate mechanics," Kyle announced after their latest failure. "You can't even do anything." 

"I don't do houses!" Nico insisted. "I'm a gunsmith. You want a gun?" 

Kyle's face lit up. "Yeah!" 

She debated it for a second - she'd been that young when she'd started messing around with gunsmithing, so he'd probably be fine. "Okay," she said. "I'll go grab something. Y'all got a shooting range around here?" 

"Nero goes to practice in the woods!" Kyle said. 

"You can't go to the woods," a voice said behind her. 

She whipped around, crashing into the hall. "Julian, you little ninja, warn a girl!" she said, putting her hand over her heart. "You scared the bejeezus outta me!"

"There are demons in the woods," Julian told her, like she hadn't said anything. "And it's after dark. You'd get eaten."

"Not if we have guns," Kyle said. 

"We can't even go to the woods in the daytime without Nero," Julian said. "What if we can't ever go to the woods again?" 

"I'll be tough!" Kyle said. "I'm going to get a gun and a sword and be just like Nero! Miss Nico is going to help me!"

"Whoa," Nico said. This conversation had clearly gotten away from her. "Nero is going to be fine. Julian, you've got a point - it is after dark. It's almost bedtime." 

Kyle stamped his foot. "You said I could have a gun. You promised!" 

Nico ran a had down her face. "I'll do you one better. You guys got diet coke and mentos?" 

"What are mentos?" Kyle asked. 

She raided the kitchen. They didn't have mentos, but they  _ did  _ have vinegar and baking soda, which made for a nifty little eruption over the sink. Carlos even crawled back out of his room and poked his head in, watching with interest. 

"There," Nico said, satisfied with her both cool and contained activity. "That's your explosion for the night, boys. What'd you think?" 

"Awesome!" Kyle said. 

"I heard you guys were looking for mentos earlier?" Carlos asked. He held out an open package. 

"Yeah, to drop in the soda," Julian said. He gestured to the bottle they'd left open on the kitchen table. 

"I can help with that," Carlos said. 

"Hold on-" Nico started. 

Carlos dropped a few mentos in. The soda immediately reacted, squirting up a fountain of liquid out of the bottleneck so high that it smacked into the ceiling and spattered all over them. Soda gushed over the kitchen table, too, and ran onto the floor. 

Carlos froze, half-drenched and staring in horror at Nico. 

"Whoa!" Kyle said. "That was totally wicked!" 

Nico wiped off her glasses on her top and put them, slightly sticky, back on her face. "That was a pretty good one," she said, defeated. "But you guys better help me clean this up!"

"Now?" 

"Yes, now," Nico said. "Kyrie's going to kill you all if she comes back to bugs in the house." 

The boys grumbled, but between the four of them it was pretty quick going. The revelation of cleaning supplies was nice, too - she could probably sneak out to the garage and take a whack at the blood stains 

By the time they were done, Kyle was yawning and Julian was staring moodily at the floor as he patted the same tile dry for 5 minutes straight. Nico glanced at the kitchen clock - 9:20. “Okay!” she said, injecting her voice with false enthusiasm. “Bedtime!” 

“Nero and Kyrie aren’t home yet,” Kyle grumbled. 

“Kyrie will definitely be back tomorrow,” Nico said. “Maybe even that big lug Nero too.” 

“He isn’t a lug!” 

“You’re right, you’re right,” Nico said, trying to avoid a fight with the overtired six-year-old. “Okay, go get your jammies on!” 

Carlos grabbed Kyle’s hand and headed out the door, but Julian stopped in front of her. “My pajamas were dirty,” he said. “They were in the wash.” 

Nico froze. She belatedly remembered Kyrie’s rushed instructions. “Uh,” she said, “Got any spares?” 

Julian pouted. “No. Those were my only ones.”

Oh, god, not the puppy dog eyes. “I’m sorry, kid, I think they’re still wet.” 

“I can’t sleep without pajamas!” 

“Does Nero have some?” Nico asked without thinking. 

Julian instantly perked up. “Yeah! I’ll borrow Nero’s! I’ll go find them!”

“Wait,” Nico called, but he was already bouncing off to the upstairs bedroom. Didn’t any of these kids know the meaning of wait these days? 

Julian led the way into Nero and Kyrie’s bedroom. She’d never been up here before - it was a bit messier than the rest of the house, but not too bad. Julian lifted up some pillows like he was looking for the pajamas in bed, while Nico headed to a dresser. She figured the one not hosting makeup on the top was Nero’s. 

Nico opened the top drawer, quickly slammed it shut, and then inched it open again. There were a lot of boxes of condoms in there - like, ten boxes, on top of a good amount of briefs. “They cannot be doing it that often,” she muttered to herself. “They’ve got three kids. There’s no way.” 

“His pajamas aren’t under his pillow,” Julian said behind her, sounding disappointed. 

Nico closed the underwear drawer and move onto the next - t-shirts, that would do. She pulled out a soft-feeling black one and showed it to Julian. “This good?” 

“Yeah!” Julian said, catching it when she caught it. “Now just pants.” 

“Uh,” Nico said, staring dubiously at the 8-year-old. The t-shirt on its own would be comically big. Pants, he wouldn’t be able to walk in. 

“Pajama pants,” Julian insisted, glaring at her. 

“If you insist,” Nico said, turning back to the drawers. She dug through two when she finally found a pair of athletic shorts that might not drown the kid if he cinched the drawstring around his chest. “Here.” 

“Thank you,” Julian huffed, snatching the shorts and walking off. 

Goddamn, the kids were moody today. Not that she knew them super well, and they were usually well-behaved, at least whenever she came over. Nico hid in the master bedroom for a few more minutes, snooping through things that Nero would probably kill her for, before she finally left and headed for the younger boy’s room. Better make sure those rugrats were asleep. 

She paused outside the doorway, hearing Carlos inside reciting something. “And then Pacha said, ‘You know, I’m pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us.’ So Kuzco built his water park on the hill next door, and invited Paccha and his family over whenever they wanted. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.”

“I liked that one,” Kyle said. “Thanks, Carlos.”

“You’re welcome,” Carlos said. “Goodnight. Sleep tight.” 

“Wait!” Julian said. “Tuck me in too!” 

“Fine.” 

“Carlos?” Kyle asked. “What do you think really happened to Nero?”

Nico’s heart clenched. “I don’t know,” Carlos said from inside. “Kyrie will tell us tomorrow.” 

“Do you think they’ll send us back?” Julian said. 

“No,” Carlos said quickly. Then, “I don’t know. I don’t think they would, but if Nero’s real sick they might not have a choice.” 

“Nero can’t be sick,” said Kyle. “He’s the toughest on the entire island. Everyone at school says so.”

“I don’t want to go,” Julian said. 

“Wherever we go, we’ll go together, alright?” Carlos said. “If we stay, we stay together. Forget the grown-ups, ok? I’ll take care of us.”

There was a bit more rustling of blankets, and then Carlos stalked out of the younger boy’s room, closing it behind him. He jumped when he saw Nico.

“You’re the first one who’s getting a gun,” Nico told him seriously. 

Carlos gave her a weird look. “Okay,” he said, like he thought she was a crazy person. “Can I go to bed now?” 

“Knock yourself out,” Nico said. 

She stayed up till about midnight scrubbing Nero’s blood off the garage floor. There was a dark stain on the concrete still when she finished, but it was the best she could do. She fell asleep on the couch a little bit after. 

* * *

Kyrie came home the next day. Nero was fine, she told them, soothing the kids. He’d be able to come home the next time. He would look different, though - he’d been attacked. His right arm had been cut off at the elbow, so they’d need to be gentle with him. 

Nico drafted her very first prosthetic limb the next day. First one would be free, she reckoned. She had to make sure he stuck around for the kids sake, if nothing else. 

Otherwise, who knows how many times she’d have to babysit. 

**Author's Note:**

> Nero and Kyrie raise good kids, ok. Thanks for reading!


End file.
